2025 Crypto Frenzy! Trump officially signs the "Pension On-Chain Act"
🔥 Market Update
ETH breaks $3800 (finally outpacing BTC's gains)
BTC stabilizes at $116,000 (institutions: slight fluctuations, continue holding)
SOL/DOGE surge over 5%+ (MEME coins: we can still fight!)
💼 Policy Bombshell
Trump officially signs an executive order:
✅ Allows 401(k) pension funds to invest in cryptocurrencies (the ultimate showdown between Wall Street old money and crypto new elites)
✅ Establishes a pilot program for "Digital Dollar Retirement Accounts" (the Fed is updating their PPT overnight)
✅ Requires the SEC to introduce a new regulatory framework within 90 days (Gary Gensler meme reserved)
⚠️ Under Currents
$261 million liquidated in 24 hours (of which 86% was leveraged shorting by "smart money" anticipating a delay in policy rollout)
Coinbase surges 18% pre-market (slapping the face of analysts who said it would "go bankrupt" three years ago)
Grayscale submits application for "Pension Fund Dedicated Trust" (the ultimate "this is fine" moment for traditional finance)
🤡 Magical Reality
• The American Teachers' Retirement Fund announces a 3% allocation to Bitcoin (students: teacher, are you teaching math or candlesticks?)
• Wall Street Journal front page: "How to Explain Hardware Wallets to Your Grandmother"
📈 Trend Decoding
Regulation is entering deep waters (with pensions coming in, are you still waiting for the "bear market bottom"?)
Volatility will structurally decrease (institutions: this cohort of retail investors can't drive the market)
The real FOMO is just beginning (missed 2021? 2025 will let you experience it again)
2025 Crypto Watershed #WhenPensionsStartFOMO #EitherHoldOrBreakYourLegs
👉 Friendly Reminder: Before going all in with your retirement funds, it's advisable to test if you can handle the following scenario:
Working at McDonald's at 65 to make up for losses
Your grandson asks you, "Grandpa, why are you delivering food in the metaverse?"
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